IRIS GOTTLIEB
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IRIS GOTTLIEB
illustration & animation
 

Recent Clients: The New York Times, Chronicle Books, Oakland Museum of California & Dr. Marten's

 
 
 

 

HI THERE. MY NAME IS IRIS AND I LOVE TO DRAW, WRITE, ANIMATE AND MAKE JOKES. 

 
 
Death Valley Rocks.jpg
 
 

PROJECTS I AM PROUD OF

 

BOOKS I HAVE WRITTEN AND/OR ILLUSTRATED

 
 
 
 

SAY HEY

CONTACT

 
 
 
 
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Week 4: It’s been easy this week. I don’t have many profound thoughts other than feeling more at home in my body. After 5.5 years here I’m moving home to North Carolina in a week, and it feels like a wave of transition as I move back to my home place and home self. I can touch and look at my incisions, they are turning pink and smooth. Every day they change and every day I am getting used to the previous day and being surprised by the next. I got scared they placed the nipples too far apart (aka in what feels like my armpits) ... but apparently they are just like that on boy people. (Those are bandaids not huge nipples.) I learned that under every boob is a pec that can twitch and move. I was afraid of this change, afraid of this process, afraid of regret, afraid it would look ugly and hurt and afraid in general. But now I feel good. In two weeks I will feel all of those things while driving away from California and settling into my new old place, but with both transitions I have been slowly planning them for years and will feel slowly more and more sure with every passing week.
true luv 🌵🌙 • • • • •(my drawing; tattooed by @q.art_ ; purple not permanent)
At every appointment I’ve had and every time someone has needed to touch my chest before and after surgery, I have fainted or become wildly nauseous. I have been so overwhelmed by the sensation of patchy numbness, tingling, scarring and touch in a place that is totally new to my recomposed body. When the large ace wrap came off on Thursday I hunched all day so the fabric wouldn’t touch my skin. I took a shower for the first time earlier this week. I stepped in the tub and the moment water hit my back I became paralyzed in a half crumpled shaking sob. I kept my eyes closed for the duration, helped around in my darkness by my patient partner. I got taped up in the darkness of closed eyes so when I opened them I couldn’t see the scars. But three weeks post-surgery today, I looked at the bottom incisions last night for the first time (not the nipple grafts, cuz that’s too intense for right now). It was really okay. The body is amazing in its ability to heal, recover & remake itself anew. Today I wore a t-shirt today for the first time into the world. It’s light purple and flat against my front. I can finally stand up straight. My mom helped me try on a jumpsuit with my eyes closed. It fit like a perfect flat, baggy sack. I am finding myself experiencing a lot of firsts. First touch, first skin, first shower, first t-shirt, first time standing upright. This is an entirely overwhelming process even if day by day I am stepping into it a little more. I am relating to myself in a different way, afraid and embracing. Realizing I don’t need to be any gender other than whatever the hell I am, I don’t need to be trans, or non-binary or a title at all. I’ll stick with being a rectangle she-boy who loves Harry Styles and stripes. It really doesn’t and shouldn’t matter that I am some amorphous being, to me or anyone else. Cuz it’s all made up by us humans to begin with. And so, the process continues.
aaaaand back to our regularly scheduled programming; this genius joke by @dzaddylonglegz — 💖 to young hottie Leo, RIP titanic, dodged a bullet baguette
Little chart accompanying a guide for learning to use gender-neutral pronouns if you’re not familiar with them. Planning on making it a downloadable pdf in the near future to share with people in professional or personal settings. I don’t use they/them and used to struggle a lot with getting used to understanding/adapting to using new pronouns, but this is applicable for most things that require a learning curve. Trying and failing is always better than saying fuck it when it involves basic respect for people. When it comes to learning new hobbies and failing on the first try, fuck it. • • • • • #illustration #genderneutral #pride #lgbtq #queer #queerart #theweekoninstagram #pronouns #transgender #venndiagram
Last night I laid on the kitchen table while my partner and friend washed my dirty dirty hair for the first time since surgery. I haven’t felt very confident in the two weeks following, I’ve felt tired and disheveled and sore and gross. But I laid on the table while one person held my head and the other poured hot water over my soapy hair. It felt like a baptism into my new self, a cleansing of worry and doubt. I haven’t seen my chest yet, and I know I will be scared of myself for a moment, but I put on a shirt afterwards and finally knew for the first time that it was the right decision, even with the emotional complexities that still exist. Thank you all for your outpouring of support, i hope you continue to support people around you in their complexities and changes 🌸🌺🌼
Was chosen as one of 4 queer artists to do a drawing & interview for @drmartensofficial pride month; link in bio for interview about queerness, hating pride weekend and a cute pic of bunny #illustration #drmartens #queer #queerart #pride #drawing #sketchbook #theweekoninstagram
I am scheduled to have both of my breasts removed on Monday. I wish someone had told me about the grief that comes along with correcting gender dysphoria. How it is possible to simultaneously experience the sadness of loss of self and the reaching truer self through that loss. I have lived in this body for 29 years and while I am so uncomfortable with the way it conveys my gender, I am also mourning what I am losing by changing my body permanently through surgery. Sadness is okay and sadness doesn’t indicate it’s a wrong choice. It’s hard to parse out what elements of the grief are saying goodbye to a physical and emotional part of myself. Something that has been literally attached to me for all this time. Something my body made from itself. Something that has represented so much struggle for so long. A decision that means saying goodbye to my previous genders. And what part of the grief is fear of voluntarily ridding myself of something that is objectively valued as a sign of beauty and replacing it with visible scars of my decision. My internalized transphobia speaks loudly as I fear that I am substituting a standard of beauty for a standard of stigma. I know I will be loved well by those people that don’t care about some fatty tissue and possibly inspire some people to love people who look like me -- but I have to convince my emotional self of that as well. It’s pretty ironic that altering my body to facilitate self-confidence in myself creates a new realm of self-consciousness. I feel grateful I have the ability and safety to do this, but I feel angry that I have to. That I have to get surgery to be able to simply wear a t-shirt into the world without upset. That I have to prove to the government that I am “trans enough” or in enough emotional pain to qualify for surgery. That I have to fear for my safety and my future healthcare because of this. That the president of the United States has banned the word “transgender” from use by the CDC. I don’t feel angry at anyone in particular except that I have to make this painful and scary choice. I want people to know that it’s okay to feel angry and scared and sad about saying goodbye to some of yourself.
This could be 12 pages long
Anxious waiting for it to happen, nervous when it’s happening, overwhelmed when it’s done happening: widely applicable. And yes those are minions on my bandaid.